Canberra grammar school

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Canberra Grammar School was a renowned school for producing political cabals hellbent on returning Australia to the Crown. Unfortunately in recent years, there has been an increasing number of Republicans whishing to break Australia away from the Commonwealth, no doubt this was caused by the influx of the rebelious ungrateful colonials of North America. Founded in 1929, Canberra Grammar School was established as an internment camp for a few dozen families who didn't want to raise their sons but still wanted their sons to become the next Augustus (this really cool Emperor dude from Rome) of Australia. Over time, more parents began to see the benefits of paying the school half the GDP of Australia per capita, to indoctrinate their sons into become political savants and economic geniuses, whilst protecting them from filthy commie propaganda. As it was once an all-boys school, it was assumed that the student cohorts were filled with nothing but toxic masculinity and required feminist indoctrination, however upon closer inspection, CGS does not have a testosterone fuelled culture, but a competive culture of dick measuring contests of wit.

Motto Deo Ecclasiae Patriae

Translates into For God, For Church, For Country, thus denoting the Grammarian loyalty to God first, and then the Anglican Church (which is led by the English Crown), and country comes in at a distant third.

Corporate Mottos

Leading the Future Learn Locally, teach globally, something something Apple corporate sounding taglines that are totally lacking in culture and soul.

History[edit]

Canberra Grammar School has many Eras that has defined it over its existence.

The Temporum Conversion

Though an Anglican School, CGS temporarily converted to Catholicism for shits and giggles. Unfortunately, the Board of Senators failed to grasp the righteous religious fervour that would overtake the students. Two cohorts left within the day to retake Jerusalem. They were last heard chanting Gregorian chants as they headed towards the Holy Land. However some sources state that they have headed towards Instanbull to right the wrongs of the last Crusades and restore Constantinople and Byzantium. When asked why the students had left on this Great Journey, they responded enthusiastically with pious might, "Deus Vult". Fearing that more cohorts would leave for the Holy Lands, the Board of Senators converted the school back to Anglicanism. Should the Grammarian Crusade ever return to CGS, experts fear that there could be a civil war.

Imperium-Weabo War

A never ending conflict between those loyal to the Imperium, and to stupid weabos who want a flimsy Katanna. This conflict began the day that anime spread across the globe, turning hundreds into room dwelling weabos who would use "senpai pls notice me" unironically. Every so often, there would be violent clashes of armoured dweebs and weebs, duking it out in the Quad. The Imperials were cladded in steel, and wielded poleaxes, while the weabos in all their blindnes, would use katannas, which were great for cutting up unarmoured peasants, but not the iron might of the righteous.

Murrium Golden Age

Under the not so watchful eye of Consul Murrius (who was probably in Rome or South Korea), Canberra Grammar School enjoyed a quiet prestigious reputation without appearing much in the public eye save for a few sporting and charitable events. CGS continually churned out cohorts of hopeful Augustus students, aiming to be the next Prime Minister, or at the very least, a partner in their dad's law firm. Murrius's departure marked a monumental moment where students actually got to meet their Consul, and shake his giant hands.

The Phantom Shitterer's Reign of Terror - Concurrent with Murrius Golden age

For a time, the school was terrorised by the Phantom Shitterer (yes, shitterer, not shitter - and this part is true, this is not absurdist humour). It was unknown what his motives where, but his modus operandi was to smear faecal matter over the walls. It was unknown who this indiviudal was, only that his attacks shut down much needed toilets. The Phantom Shitterer still remains at large.

Welsh Intermission

After the departure of Murrius, Father Welsh managed things for awhile.

Garrium Reforms - The Promised Golden Age

Under the Garrium reforms, Garrius promised revitalisation of the campus and introduction of much needed resources. The Grammarian College of Science, overjoyed by the prospect of bringing their 70s era labs into the 21st century, lent their support to Garrius. Unfortunately, their promised reward never came. Garrius wasted the funds on outlandish technology which are nothing more than gimmicks for his propaganda machine to attract more students. The Art Centre received unecessary renovations that have allowed it to pump out more modern art that has now scarred the campus alongside with the pointed monstrosity known as the Terry Snow Money Dick Building (Centre for Asian Studies). Garrius layed the foundations for Asian studies which he had hoped would arm the graduating cohorts with the knowledge to take advantage of the Asian century. Unfortunately he didn't take the advice of those who paid attention to the Chinese century, and thus was not aware of China's social, economic, and environmental problems that would plague it and therefore prevent it from attaining superpower status. However not all was bad under the Garrium Reforms, Garrius has instituted a tougher policy on students, purging normies from the Grammarian cohorts and increasing overall student quality.

The Civil War of the Great Famine - Concurrent with Garrium Reforms

The vending machines, which had been a source of quality nutrients had been closed due to the increase concerns in health. The canteen was purged of all things mass produced and delicious, and was replaced with unknown gourmet brand of veggie chips. Even the beloved Smiths Salt and Vinegar were nowhere to be found. Normal sprite was replaced with Sprite Zero, coke was removed due to fears that it was being used as a narcotic to psyche up rebellion, and krispy kreme donuts removed from the menu. The catering company was also changed, much to the delight of the borders, but to the dismay of the day students. The famine and the 170th civil war erupted. Making it the bloodiest civil war since the 77th, and only surpassed in bodycount by the Purge of the Great Schism.

Fearing for the safety of Australia, the Australian Government changed its alert level from "Strewth" to "Barbie's cancelled". The Army was called in to put an end to the Civil War, but by the time the tanks rolled onto campus, it was too late. The fighting had spread to other schools where innocent students were slain in the cross fire.

Many students fled to the safety of Girls Grammar, knowing that despite such savagery, Boys Grammar will always respect the sanctity of the Girls Grammar Campus.

On the 7th Day, the fighting ceased, thanks to Sarge who had brought both sides to the negotiating table, and managed to return ice creams and add danish rolls to the menus.

The Great Schism 2015 - The end of the false Golden Age

The Great Schism was the darkest of days in CGS history as untold hundreds of alumni, and families were purged in what could be considered as the bloodiest event in Canberra's history. The Old Boys and Purist students did not see what was about to come, those who knew kept silent, either they were too scared to warn the others or they approved of the New Dictator's vision, co-ed. In order to maintain a facade of progressivism, the Department of Propaganda began to create advertisements to show how progressive this change was, and at the same time, remove any dissidents who would dare question them. Consul Garrius declared himself Dictator, and the Board of Senators was remodelled into Board of Dictators.

This marked the end of a proud tradition of all things male and dank, the Dictator would destroy the core ethos of CGS for money. Even his most ardent supporters in the alumni began to abandon him, for he had gone back on his word. But it was too late, the alumni were broken, and the public (who would never even think of sending their children to CGS) applauded such a progressive move. There would be no going back. CGS was lost, and would become just another expensive private school, nothing else. The introductoin of the IB furthered the divide amongst students. The Purge was also denounced by the Anglican Church, but that statement was recanted for whatever unknown reason. Surviving alumni suspect that Alumni Terry Snow may have had been involved in both the purge and the Anglican Church's recantment. Motives remain unknown and evidence largely unfounded. Inquisitors who have looked into the matter have often been found in an apparent suicide.

The Fall

With little ties left to the old way, Garrius allowed the normies to return to the school, increasing the school's coffers but at the cost of diluting student quality and the destruction of school ethos. Experienced teachers that once safeguarded the Grammarian ways were removed from the faculty, and replaced with younger, inexperienced and more obedient teachers who could not handle the students (some even cried - pathetic. This weakness would not have been tolerated under the not so watchful Murrius!) Rumour has it that Sarge may lead his Death Squad on a purge of faculty, though it is unclear whether this would be the older resistant faculty, or the younger ones who do not have enough experience to be teaching at a private school.

Normie students also hooned into the Girls Grammar Campus, thus putting a final nail into the coffin between Boys and Girls Grammar relations since the announcement of Boys Grammar becoming Co-ed.

The Great Meme War

Though the Board of Dictators at CGS have not explicity shown any signs of Kekphobia, Ethnic-Kekistanis and those sympathetic to the Kekistani cause, have remained in the shadows, striking from their mechanical keyboards with devastating strikes befitting of Sun Tzu's Art of Memetic Warfare. Their sacrifices will be remembered in the coming Empire.

Femme Fatale

Girls come into a school population that is largely unwelcomed towards them... what do you think is going to happen? Integration? Hahahaha, don't kid yourself.

Curriculum[edit]

For some inexplicable reason, CGS uses the High School Certificate. A system that literally tosses students into the frying pan and kicks their education into overdrive the moment they enter Year 11. One might ask why it would not be more prudent to ease students into preparing for the HSC? And then one might be found later on the same day in an apparent suicide. The HSC is undeniably the most important exams Grammarian students will ever undertake, and most will develop PTSD after examinations due to obssessively thinking about how and where they went wrong. The ATAR derived from the HSC is purely arbitary and unpredictable, with most students requiring pyschiatric treatment. Even long after they have completed the HSC, students still exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress at the mere mention of ATAR. Upon completion of the HSC, most students reportedly go on holiday around the world, to find themselves. However this is largerly unfounded, as leaked documents reveal that students go on hunting trips to slay the Red Dots, followed by intensive therapy sessions to noramlise students into a more liberal society that actually condemns duels to the death when an academic disagreement arises, and frowns upon the idea of conquest and glory.

Economics - Free Market is Love, Free Market is Life. Purge communist scum

Humanities - Purge communst scum

Helicopter lessons - how to give commie scum a free helicopter ride

Methematics - try not to cry

Physics - calculating the optimal amount of force and trajectory required to throw commie scum out of helicopter

Memetic Warfare (Arts) - left can't meme, but that doesn't mean your memes shouldn't me more than dreams

English - critical analysis of the arts of commie scum

Political Geopgraphy - understanding how to stop the spread of communism

Psychology - understanding the mind of commie scum, and influencing the plebs to your cause

Chemistry - understanding that the use of chemical agents is not only necessary and justifiable, but imminently desirable to purge commie scum.

Biology - understanding how to cripple commie scum effectively by understanding their weaknesses.

Religion and Values Education - Deus Vult

Asian Studies - understanding that the Asian Century has come and gone

Languages - how to spread the word of the Free Market and purging commies to other cultures

History - how commies have ruined all good things in the past

Geography - understanding the lay of the land

Agriculture - in case the commies take over, learning how to farm will prevent starvation and allow a well fed insurgency to bring back the free market

Co-curriculum[edit]

A wide variety of co-curricula activities are avaialable to the Grammarian student. Everything from golf, to archery, to equestrian training, to martial arts are available. All of these activities are aimed at developing a potential Augustus, or at the very least, an emotionless killing machine that would serve in the Australian Army, and help assist Sarge the the purge of expelled students and Red Dots.

Discipline[edit]

Minor infractions such as failure to bring specified UV radiation protective gear, will be met with the death march. Students are expected to endure a gruelling marathon across rocky tundras of Red Hill. Those who make it back are welcomed with open arms. Those who die, are buried with honours. Those who do not go, are killed on the spot by their peers. Heavier infractions, and students will be asked to leave the school which is one of the greatest dishonours. Expulsion - virtually unheard of for anyone other than normies and commie scum, it is seen akin to execution. Those who are expelled cannot bear the shame of such dishonour and take their lives. On occassion, there are Grammarian Students who are not loyal to the Grammarian ways, and will not do the honourable thing. Death Squads led by the School Sergeant hunt down these expelled students and do the right thing.

The Sarge[edit]

Legend has it that The Sarge is one man who has reincarnated into different forms to maintain the discipline of the school. Amongst Old Boy Grammarians, Sarge is a legendary figure. A modern Primus Pilus Centurion. It is rumoured that his tears can cure HIV and Cancer, unfortunately for humanity he has never shed a tear. Since corporal punishment is considered unethical these days, Sarge has resorted to a different form of maintaining discipline. He exploits a certain legal loophole that prevents him from physically assaulting students. Instead he uses a method known as Immediate Auditory Shockwave known to induce Cardiac Arrests in weaker students. It should be pointed out that legal restrictions of physical punishment is partly responsible for Sarge outsourcing Red Dot and expulsee hunts to Grammarian Students.

Notes on School Life[edit]

For Boarding Students, their days starts at 5am where they arise for their daily hunts due to the relatively poor quality of their meals. Their meals are on fit for the plebs, and are lacking in essential aromatic herbs and spices that make the meat truly tender and spicy. At 6am day students come in for their daily physical exercise regime where they circle around the campus. This is to show the greater community of the student's physical prowess, discipline and commitment. However due to recent influxes of normies, Sarge now patrols the running course with his loyal Death Squads to ensure that no student is cutting corners and that soccer moms aren't out of their premium SUVs, oogling at boys young enough to be their sons.

After the runs, the students will attend classes.

Recess is a 20min break where there's just enough time to purchase food from the canteen and wolf it down before the bell rings. Lunch goes gor 50 minutes where students can enjoy one main course meal, as well as play a few rounds of chess before pastoral care. Pastoral care - depending on the day - is either Gregorian Chanting in Chapel, tutorial groups where students are mentored by older ones on how to not become a red dot and how to hunt red dotters and commie scum, house meetings is for administrative purposes where the spoils of war/hunt are given out appropriately, and school assemblies are self congratulatory events where no one cares about announcements and hopes to see something funny.

Year 10 Camp[edit]

"You will leave as boys and return as men" is the motto for this gruelling event. Year 10 students are air dropped into the middle of nowhere, and must work together in order to survive. They have 10 days to reach extraction or be left behind and overwhelmed by hordes of drop bears. Mutiny, though uncommon, has happened on numerous occasions, creating surplus targets for Sarge and his Death Squads.

Hallmarks of these events are mutilation, grevious bodily harm, and general insanity.

Anyone who doesn't go is a bitch and a filthy traitor.

However with the introduction of girls, it seems that this event will be watered down.

Mock Assembly[edit]

A powerful event of satire and freedom, that is being censored under Dictator Garrius.

Annual Drama Disaster[edit]

Also known as ADD, this event showcases the excellent film making talents and memetic harvests that the talented cohorts of year 12 bring to the school. Many films have been snubbed by the Oscars for fear of a bunch of Yr12 students showing up a bunch of millionaires paid to stand in front of a camera and look pretty. Unfortunately this event has been cancelled due to the creators' unwillingness to be censored by Dictator Garrius.

Notable Alumni[edit]

Terry Snow - possible traitor, however unknown and is just a rumour

X numbers of doctors

Y numbers of lawyers

Z numbers of economists

F numbers of bussiness

A numbers of corporates

K numbers of public servants

1 convicted murderer

T numbers of medicore politicians who were probably in the private sector but then got greedy for power and jumped into politics OR they just sucked in the private sector