UnSource:Guide to the iRAQ Pocket PC
From UnMeta
Contents |
[edit] Welcome!
Congratulations on your purchase of the iRAQ Pocket PC, the only personal digital assistant to be designed personally by Iraq's esteemed Minister of Information Muhammed Saeed Al-Sahaf.
Built with the latest in Microsoft™ technology, the iRAQ Pocket PC is fully GPS-enabled, making it the perfect travel companion to assist you in your search for Osama bin Laden weapons of mass destruction oil.
[edit] Windows Mobil™
Run all of your favourite Windows Mobil™ 2003 applications on the iRAQ Pocket PC, the mother of all handheld GPS units. Entrust all of your vital data to Bill Gates and Baghdad Bob, equally-respected household names behind iRAQ's most wanted handheld computing devices.
[edit] GPS users manual
Feeling lost in iRAQ?
The iRAQ Pocket PC, with the full heartfelt support of the Iraqi people, will tell you where to go.
May Allah be praised for evermore! Allah ackbar!
[edit] Points of interest
| Aircraft |
| Ambulance |
| Automotive services |
| Cannibal tribes |
| Car bombs |
| Civilians awaiting martyrdom for the glory of Allah. |
| Corrupt officials caught with one hand in the till. |
| Crowded Marketplace. Watch out for stray US missiles. |
| Freedom fighters. |
| Museum. Loot at will. |
| Grues |
| Gunpowder |
| Helicopters |
| Imminent death. |
| Lodging... if there is any still standing after the US finishes bombing iRAQ. |
| Money diverted from the oil-for-food program. |
| Money for cronies of Bush and the Halliburton régime. |
| MRE's for the troops. |
| Oil & Gas |
| Palaces. |
| Public stonings of infidels and women. |
| Warships. To support the war effort, a game of Minesweeper is pre-installed on every iRAQ Pocket PC. |
| Weapons of mass destruction. The iRAQ Pocket PC is still searching for these but hasn't found anything. Sorry. |
[edit] Searching and navigation
| Lost? The iRAQ Pocket PC will help you find your way.
It knows where you are. It knows where the Iraqi people would like you to go. It's intelligent enough to do the math. |
Whatever you're searching for, the iRAQ Pocket PC will use its built-in GPS to assist you:
- Osama bin Laden?
- Weapons of mass destruction?
Ok, maybe we haven't been able to find either in iRAQ.
Nonetheless, we Shell BPrepared to Mobilize and continue a Marathon search throughout the Gulf until we are Exxonerated. We'll show them what it means to deal with real Esso Bees.
After all, isn't that the true objective of Operation Iraqi Liberation?
| Osama must be here. Somewhere. Anywhere. Who knows. Time to launch a War on Terra and destroy this hiding place? |
[edit] Turn-by-turn directions
 | Just click the globe icon to launch the iRAQ Pocket PC's built-in GPS pilot navigator. Indicate your destination, and it automagically takes over to do the rest. Turn-by-turn directions are offered in a variety of voices, including long-time favourites like:
|
Typical voice-synthesized navigational prompts include:
"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame Al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."
"When you reach the next exit, make a U-turn and go home, American infidel pigdog sons of rabid camels."
[edit] iRAQ Pocket PC applications
[edit] Office tools
 | The iRAQ Pocket PC offers a handy 2003-digit calculator to help you total the ever-increasing cost of the war and a built-in perpetual calendar to count the years since George Dubya Bush made his famous "Mission Accomplished" speech to the American people.
The Desert Office suite delivers presentations and multimedia with shock and awe, forcing cut-throat rivals to see things your way. You'll wonder how you ever managed to communicate without it. The Pocket War of Words application even includes a handy spell-checker which alerts you when you are about to make serious errors. Uncertain whether it was Iran or Iraq that was enriching uranium for weapons? Rely on the finest products of Polish intelligence as a sanity check to prevent you from making the same mistakes again. |
[edit] Games
 | Let the iRAQ Pocket PC be your entertainment centre on those long, dreary desert nights. A full selection of pocket games will pass the time as you wait for Bush to find WMD and O.J. to find the real killers.
Try your hand at iRAQ-man, an insurgent Pac-Man variant in which the dots are Iraqi loot, the power pills are firearms and the ghosts are US troops still looking for Osama. And don't forget our video action hero, Super Saddamio. He's quick, he's nimble, thank you... but Osama is in another castle. He's not in iRAQ. |
[edit] Multimedia
The iRAQ Pocket PC has full streaming video capabilities, to let you watch what's left of Iraqi TV.
A wide selection of programming is available, including Leave it to Baghdad re-runs and double Jeopardy rounds in which the sovereignty of iRAQ itself is in jeopardy, along with the safety of anyone too dumb to leave the country and not look back.
Hilarious videos of Katrina's whirlwind tour of the US remain popular, along with the full series of Saddam's bungee-jumping lessons.
[edit] Warranty
The iRAQ Pocket PC comes with a full money-back guarantee. Unfortunately it pays out in Iraqi dinars which are all but worthless in the wake of the US occupation, but hopefully Allah will take mercy.
[edit] Contact us
Go ahead, contact us today... if you can find us.
Oh, and there is no www.google.iq - no wonder you can't find any WMD or any Al Queda. Allah ackbar!
